ON BEING JOHN MALKOVICH
|by Christopher Fulkerson|
A Theater Piece for Solo Actor
"John Malkovich, John Malkovich... you think I sound like John Malkovich? You know, a lot of people say that.
"You know what, I looked up John Malkovich at Wikipedia. I found out he's an actor. Did you know he's a movie actor?"
Though my interrogators are slightly surprised at this reply, they invariably acknowledge the fact that John Malkovich is an actor. They usually do so with some hesitation, because this is a clear "disconnect:" I make them wonder why I would ask such a basic question about somebody they think I must already know about. I then go on:
"I found out he's actually rather successful. D'you know he's made a lot of movies?"
Again there is always bemused recognition of this fact. I continue, in a slightly more forceful way:
"People have often told me that, you know, that my voice sounds like... John Malkovich. And they tell me other things. Sometimes they tell me about some of the movies he's made.
"There's this one movie, about all kinds of crazy things that happen to him, when he's supposedly playing John Malkovich. And as they describe these crazy things, I realized that this stuff they're telling me has all happened to ME. That these events come from MY LIFE, they're not ABOUT John Malkovich at all, they're about ME. That they made that movie about ME, but they called it BEING JOHN MALKOVICH, but it's really about ME, and that the 'portal' there is really the door to my cab, and the reject function on the Turnpike is due to their just, like, you know, getting out of the cab. That's why it's on a turnpike! And that each one of those people I drive is like, you know, being ME, as a result of being in my cab!
"So I'm angry about this," I say, raising my voice again. "I don't think it's right for them to make about movie about me, and call it something else. I want to sue those people who made that movie, and I want damages, and I want royalties!!! I want residuals for these thefts they're making of things from MY LIFE!!!
"AND I WANT MORE. I WANT REVENGE! I should be allowed to do to him what he's done to me!"
"THAT'S RIGHT, I WON'T SETTLE UNTIL I GET TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT JOHN MALKOVICH, LIKE THE ONE HE MADE ABOUT ME!!! AND I'M GOING TO CALL IT BEING CHRISTOPHER FULKERSON!!!
"Except it's not going to be about 'Being Christopher Fulkerson' at all! It's going to be ABOUT being John Malkovich, but it's going to be CALLED, 'BEING CHRISTOPHER FULKERSON!!!!!!'
The routine ends with me shouting apparently out of control, essentially in the manner of the John Belushi "Sammurai" routines. I often I get a five or ten dollar tip for this. By January 2011, when I wrote this page, I have done this routine perhaps fifty times. I seldom do it more than once in a night shift.
In the event anyone uses this skit, I'm serious this time, I want residuals. This is my intellectual property. I published this online on January 23, 2011; as I say, there are many witnesses to my having given this piece before.
c Copyright 2010 by Christopher Fulkerson. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED! AND I'M SERIOUS!