ORIGINAL JOKES
Including the World-Famous Iconic STUPID NINJA JOKES
With Also Some Un-original Jokes, In Classy New Renditions

by Christopher Fulkerson

CF's Composition Desk

CF In His Studio
About the time of work on THE RECOGNITIONS

and the cantata REMEMBER THE STARS
and singing tenor for various Russian Orthodox choirs, where he heard some of these Soviet jokes, before the fall of the Soviet Union

"They used to laugh when I told them I wanted to be a comedian, but they're not laughing now!"
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I have created a new joke archetype, called the Stupid Ninja joke. Whereas true Ninjas are awesome, with night vision and invisibility skills and so on, the 'Stupid Ninja' is not so awesome. Here are two of my 'Stupid Ninja' jokes:

Question: Why did the Stupid Ninja think he was invisible?
Answer: Because he was standing behind his flashlight!

Question: Why did the Stupid Ninja think he was invisible?
Alternative Answer: Because he couldn't see his enemy.

Question: Where did the Stupid Ninja think he could get supplies for his stealth mission?
Answer: At the Stealth Food Store!

I find that this category of joke absorbs other jokes, especially the more awkward "Blond" jokes. Here is a "Blond" joke that everybody I have spoken with agrees works better as a Stupid Ninja joke:

Question: How do you get a one-armed Stupid Ninja out of a tree?
Answer: You wave to him.

Clearly, it is more plausible for a Stupid Ninja to be up a tree, than a blond. I therefore declare my right to appropriate jokes that are better suited to the category of Stupid Ninja joke, than the category of Blond joke. And so I hereby demonstrate how I appropriate Blond Jokes, and other jokes, as my own Stupid Ninja Jokes, by offering the following examples:

Q: What do you do when a Stupid Ninja throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: Why did the Stupid Ninja stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said "concentrate."

In this way I plan to build an entire Stupid Ninja Empire. Don't say I didn't warn you! And there's more:

A stupid ninja went to his initiation, which was a group competition with the reward of a virgin. The ninjas were to climb the highest mountain, swim the widest sea, and then go to two tents. In the first tent they were to pull a loose tooth from the mouth of a lion; in the second, was the virgin. Most of the competitors were eliminated after climbing the highest mountain, and one ninja was well in the lead after swimming the widest sea. He entered the first tent, and immediately the lion could be heard roaring and screaming, and all feared for the ninja. But then the lion stopped roaring, and the ninja stepped out of the tent.
"All, right," said the stupid ninja. "Where's that virgin with the loose tooth?"

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In response to the directive "2, 4, 6, 8, time to transubstantiate," I replied:

I don't volunteer to be eaten.
Not even to get into Eton.
If the fast way to get there
Proves a theory all wet there,
I'd have less body mass than eggs beaten.

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A litter of yuppies,
A twitter of hipsters.

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COMEDY GAME: Continue this string of names of philosophers: Ancient Athenian philosopher: Socrates. Ancient Robot philosopher: Sprocketes. Another Ancient Robot philosopher: Socketres. (Ancient philosophical challenge: keeping them straight.) Ancient Negro philosopher: Sock-it-to-yas.
Ancient Astronaut philosopher: Rocketres.

COMEDY GAME: Continue this string of names of bars in San Francisco: In the Marina: "The Tipsy Pig;" in the Haight: "The Trippy Pig;" in North Beach ca. 1955: "The Hipster Pig;" in the Mission ca. 2005: "The Hipster Pig" (lower level of credibility)...etc., etc., etc.

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ANNOUNCEMENT: The "Drinking Man Festival" was proposed by CF in around 2009. It is to be celebrated annually in San Francisco while the "Burning Man" festival is being celebrated elsewhere. This celebration has now begun as of 2011, when there was at least one participant. His name is unknown to me. The idea is that no advertising shall be made, this being the only known published reference to this drinking festival. Since I am a cab driver it should be understood that my participation is as one of those who "cleans up" possible safety problems by doing the driving that effects this "clean up." And this is no joke!

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From here on down this page the jokes are not original they are retold by CF.

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A guy dies on a Sunday and goes to Hell.

When he got there, the devil said to him, "It's good you arrived on a Sunday.   Let me ask you something: 

"Do you like to EAT?"

The fellow said, well, yes, he likes to eat.

"That's good," said the devil, "On Sundays, we all eat ALL DAY LONG.  All the chefs come to Hell, so we have chefs from every era and country.   We have every kind of food.   You can make your own.  You can eat far more than you ever would on Earth, and you'll never have indigestion." 

Wow, says the guy.  Uh, what do you do on Mondays? 

"Well," says the devil, "Let me ask you, do you like to DRINK?" 

Heck yeah, says the guy. 

"On Mondays, we drink ALL DAY LONG.   All the bartenders come to Hell, and we have every kind of spirit, so you can get the most expertly mixed drinks ever created.   You can drink far more than you ever would on Earth, and there's no after effect whatsoever." 

Incredible, says the guy.  But, er, what do you do on Tuesdays? 

"Let me ask you something," says the devil.  "Do you like to do DRUGS?" 

Shucks, says the guy.  Yeah. 

"That's good," says the devil, "Because on Tuesdays, we do drugs ALL DAY LONG.  All the pushers come here ,so we can get you any drug... pot... LSD... Ecstasy... any designer drug you like.   Uppers, downers, anything you can pop, smoke, or spike.   You can do all the drugs you want, in any combinations and more than you ever would on Earth, and there's no after effect whatsoever." 

Astonishing, says the guy, starting to loosen up a little.   And what do you do on Wednesdays? 

"Let me ask you something," says the devil.  "Are you GAY?"  

-- As told by Christopher Fulkerson.   Posted 3/11/2011. Revised 6/21/2011.

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Jesuit Joke
As told by Christopher Fulkerson

The Minister General of the Franciscan Order went to the Pope and said, “Holy Father, the Brothers and I have studied the question, and after much prayerful meditation and reflection we have decided it would be most appropriate if we were to smoke while we say our office.”  

The Pope replied, “No, that doesn’t sound right.”

The Abbott Primate of the Benedictine Order went to the Pope and said, “Holy Father, the Order has decided we ought ask you whether we could be permitted to smoke while we said our office?”  

The Pope just shook his head.

The Superior General of the Discalced Carmelites went to the Pope and said, “Hey Daddy-Oh, we think it would be super cool if we could, like, smoke as we say our office!”   

The Pope said, “Not really.”

The Superior General of the Jesuits went to the Pope and said, “Me’n’th’boys, we’s thinkin,’ it would be really great if we could, you know, smoke while we’s sayin’ our office.”   

To which the Pope replied, “Good idea!”

Posted December 28, 2013.

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COLD WAR JOKES

A Soviet composer got a commission to write a symphony for the opening of a factory. Unexcited at the prospect of writing a "factory symphony," the composer got drunk.
A week before the score was due at the censor, he sobered up enough to realize he had to do something drastic or he would lose his commission fee. He picked up the score of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony and copied it backwards. Turning the score in to the censors he got drunk again, not bothering to go to the premiere performance at the factory. The day after the premiere, two KGB officers knock on his door.
"What's this about," asks the bleary-eyed composer.
Speaking in very even tones, one of the KGB men says, "It's about the symphony."
Instantly on the defensive, the frightened composer says, "It is a fine symphony, written to describe the feelings of the people in their struggle for Socialism!"
"Yes, comrade, we know that," says the other KGB man, unimpressed.
"It was written according to all the thematic requirements of Socialist Realism in Music, as laid down in the Great Soviet Encyclopedia of Music," shouts the now-terrified composer.
"Yes, comrade, we know that," says the first KGB man quietly.
"Then what is the problem?" asks the composer.
The two KGB men lean into the composer's face and say together in a menacing voice, "We already know Shostakovitch's Fifth Symphony!"

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Two Soviet workers are talking. One of them says, "I attend all the weekly Party classes, and all of the monthly indoctrinations, and I never miss the annual retreat. But I still cannot answer for myself the question, 'What is the difference between Communism, and Capitalism?'"
"Oh, that is easy," says the other worker. "Capitalism is the exploitation of Man by Man!"
"Yes, of course," says the first worker hastily. "But what then is Communism?"
"The reverse!"

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A Soviet boy was asking his father questions. "Papa, what is the difference between a 'tragedy," and a 'catastrophe?'"
"Well son, if our little goat Misha were walking on the goat bridge over the river, and the bridge collapsed, that would be a catastrophe, but it wouldn't be a tragedy."
"Yes Papa," says the boy.
The father continued his explanation. "And if the assembled heads of the Soviet state were all on a plane and it crashed and they were all killed, it would be a tragedy, but it wouldn't be a catastrophe."

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MUSIC GAME: Horse/Bird/Muffin. Without instruction or explanation, continue this trend of descriptions of composers, all as either a horse, a bird, or a muffin: Beethoven was a Horse, Mozart was a Bird, Schubert was a muffin. (With thanks to Oliver Knussen.)

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First Three Ninja Jokes Copyright 2010 by Christopher Fulkerson, first version of this page posted 1/23/2011. Updated 7/16/2012. Updated 12/28/2013.

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